We would like our son to attend a daycare in Lisbon. My wife works. I work. Our son, an infant, does not work and needs to go somewhere during the day. We also think daycare provides socialization that is important for an only child like ours.
This would be easy if we were short-haul expats or recent arrivals in Portugal. Lisbon is home to a growing international community. English-language schools continue to pop up to meet increased demand. By all accounts they are great.
They are also accessible. The applications are competitive but the inputs you need are attainable: money. International schools in Lisbon are in growth mode. They want to hire more teachers and the teachers they need are more expensive. They are in the process of signing leases for larger buildings. And most of the parents you are competing with are also recent arrivals. They are not “legacy” admits. They do not have aristocratic Portuguese last names.
While those schools seem fantastic, we would like to send our little gremlin to a Portuguese institution. Our son is still young enough to start an education in a different language than what is spoken at home. Parents who moved here with older children do not have that luxury. If we were going to send him to English language schools with an American curriculum, we should probably just head home where everything would be easier.
That presents a problem. We ain’t from around here.
We have preferences about schools and created a list in much the same way a high schooler does when applying to college - reach schools and all. Also like college admissions, the places that wound up on our list have a complex set of inputs. Old guard Portuguese daycares do not care about your bank account. Their most recent growth mode predates jazz. These schools have cared for children for as long as Texas has been a State. These institutions orient around family and relationships.
Your new money is no good here. In fact, it is gauche. You are competing against the little sibling of every student in that school. Even worse, you are competing with those kids’ great-grandparents who attended when they were toddlers. We joke about “legacy” admissions in Ivy League institutions in the United States. The connections in upper class Portuguese preschools in Lisbon make American universities seem modern.
We figured we should still try. Neither of us have a Portuguese great-grandmother who matriculated from one of these daycares so we leaned on our friends. I have a few buddies with ties to these kinds of places and called them up. One introduced me to his cousin, a woman who lives a few blocks from us in Lisbon. She is absolutely one of the sweetest people I have ever met.
That’s one thing about Lisbon, and Portugal, broadly - folks who have access or privilege go out of their way to be welcoming to folks who are new. As long as you are making an effort. No one on the New York City Social Register is giddy about meeting for coffee tomorrow with someone new trying to break into the scene. We met my friend’s cousin nearly the day after the introduction and she was generous enough to help get us an interview in one of the schools.
The appointment took place a few weeks after our son was born. We sat down with the headmistress in their palatial building and conducted the whole thing in Portuguese.
Things seem to have gone well. My wife speaks fluent Portuguese and locals love when Americans can do that, which the headmistress did. We also are not recent arrivals - we have lived in the neighborhood for nearly half a decade. I figured we might not be at the top of the list, but at least we weren’t going to lose out on personal character.
Until the inquisition started. In the last few minutes of the meeting she remarked that we are Protestant. We confirmed her suspicion. She then warned us that they are a Catholic school and that they would not alter the curriculum. She wanted to make sure that we wouldn’t be bothered if our 2 year old came home and prayed to Mary.
I wanted to say that if someday our 2 year old boy came home and prayed to anyone other than Thomas the Tank Engine, I would be impressed. Instead, I tried to tell her what she wanted to hear like the desperate immigrant parent that I am.
I conveyed that “we understand and are familiar with your obligation. We have no issue with the curriculum and we respect Catholicism. My father’s family is Catholic and I appreciate the faith and what they have shared with me about it.”
My wife, who speaks fluent Portuguese, watched me out of the corner of her eye as I poured it on. The silent panic on her face grew as what I said translated more like the following:
“We know school of yours Catholic. We no have issue with these. We like Catholic religion. The family of my father, all Catholic, I love them.”
The headmistress heard that, turned to face me directly, and in a slow and serious tone asked “so, Mr. Rhea, why is it that your father is no longer Catholic like the rest of his family? What happened?”
I had overdone it and been caught. My backpedaling landed me in a fuzzy version of my family’s religious tradition. The thing is, my dad never really adopted Catholicism like the rest of his family and, while amenable to the faith, had no interest in it. He found a home in a Protestant church.
Instead of walking through this nuance, I blamed marriage. I lied that my protestant mother had won over my dad. The headmistress nodded and commented that women are stronger in matters of religion. I think she also meant this as a critique of me and my fumbling about this religious matter.
A few weeks later we learned we did not make it off the waitlist. We aren’t too bothered - we have a spot open at a school even closer to our home. This one is nominally secular and we also love the place. I’m not sure how much the blame at the religious school sits with me, but maybe a Hail Mary would have helped.